Obligation.
The very word provokes a shoulder shrug, an Eeyore-like harumph, or downright disdain from my family members, friends, and colleagues this time of year. Why? Because so many of us sacrifice our own self-care to fulfill a seemingly never-ending cascade of family and work obligations during the holiday season. That it happens nearly every year says more about us than anything else.
When we think about this word, we fixate on the formality and morality of agreements, commitments, and rights between individuals, companies, or other defined groups. We too understand that obligations are legally or morally binding but, in some circumstances, can be waived by one of the interested parties. Professionally, our day-to-day conversations are littered with obligations described in a sector-speak of acronyms, contractual provisions, financial terms, and programmatic requirements. So many of these exchanges are devoid of caring and empathy. No wonder then that they make leaders feel as if we are choosing process and profits over people.
Yet the holiday season surfaces an important philosophical question about the obligation to self, especially in life’s most challenging moments. Do not get me wrong. I am a true believer in fulfilling our commitments and obligations to one another. It is the bedrock of a moral society. Closer to my heart, it is the emotional cornerstone for my most cherished relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. This conventional view, however, really misses the mark for bringing more humanity into our world as it does not value the duty to self.
A central element of this duty is self-care. As a working concept, self-care is the practice of promoting one’s interest, improving one’s physical and mental health, and pursuing one’s dreams. For many leaders, it is much harder to do than openly discuss. More often than not, leaders sacrifice self-care on the alter of obligation without regard to real or opportunity costs to themselves and their extended families. And while self-care periodically pops up on our to- do list for tomorrow, that day never really comes.
But tomorrow is here. A new year knocks loudly on the front door with challenges, opportunities, and change in tow. And it is shaping up to be a leadership moment for the ages. One that begs for as much authenticity, humility, and vulnerability we can muster. No time for tired resolutions about joining a new gym or adopting the latest weight loss fad. And absolutely no time for reliving or relitigating the past. This new year our priority must be self-care, specifically making the time and space needed for dreaming and pursuing our personal and professional aspirations. Why? Because both are vital to our health and well-being as well as have the potential to unleash our passion and talents to bring more humanity into the world.
A few thoughts about the importance of dreaming in our lives. It can harness our creativity, remind us about the importance of unconditional love and forgiveness in our relationships, and help us reimagine or reinterpret actual experiences that in turn give birth to something new. Dreaming can occur as a single event, over a number of days or weeks, and even span the years. Sometimes we are the protagonist and occupy center stage while at other times we are barely noticeably in what can only be described as a quirky Netflix series. Or for those over 50, think David Lynch and Twin Peaks.
Dreams can be beautifully complex. They can unfold in color, black and white, and sometimes both during the same sequence. They love toying with our fact-based sense of the space-time continuum. They interject people from all parts of our lives into the plot with no rhyme or reason. They sometimes communicate with us in a strangely different language as if from another dimension. Dreams also emerge at poignant times when we are vulnerable as if they innately know we need them in those precious moments.
Dreams can be really disruptive. They are interlopers or uninvited guests into our rational world. Their surreal nature heightens our senses, spotlights our hopes and fears, and helps us explore the realities and myths of our own life narrative. Not surprisingly, such disruption has the potential to expand our hearts and minds in ways that are unimaginable during waking business hours. We benefit from the disruption when we stay open and curious about the meaning(s) of our dreams.
For many leaders today the very thought of dreaming big or pursuing our dreams is a bridge too far. Some are simply struggling to cope with the practicalities of fulfilling day-to-day responsibilities which make it nearly impossible to claim the time and space for dreaming. Others are exhausted from all things COVID and do not have the emotional, intellectual, or physical bandwidth for anything new. They just want to recover in 2023. And almost all leaders do not want to disappoint their Board of Directors or teams nor leave anyone behind, so they soldier on in the transactional world at personal risk to our own health. Dreaming is a luxury that they cannot afford.
But the obligation to dream is not an optional exercise. It requires leaders to regularly reflect on the duty to self versus obligations to our organizations, our extended families, and our communities. This is no small personal feat as our feelings of disappointment, guilt, inadequacy, and shame often get in the way of meaningful self-reflection. Yet such reflection must occur for leaders to truly learn from the past, live in the present, and dream about the future. Think of this leadership construct as a 3-for-1 package deal that allows us to multi-task around caring and valuing people—including ourselves.
Finally, dreaming—and the pursuit of our dreams—does have an ultimate destination beyond self-care. That is that special time and place in our lives when we are emotionally aware and available in the present while applying lessons learned for the past to imagine a more equitable and just future for all. In such moments, our heads and hearts are fully aligned in pursuit of purpose and we are truly at our best.